Are we all toxic?

A few days ago I was doing a quick little Facebook scroll while I was at the table feeding my daughter. Every once in a while I read something on social media that speaks to me in a way that has a genuine impact. This time it was not a thought provoking article or a touching news story, it was a meme. Of all of the things that could invoke an epiphany, it was a small, seemingly insignificant meme. Here it is:

Read it again. Read it for a third time. I am sure some people who come across this meme instantly think of someone else. They think “Yeah, so and so really should recognize their toxic traits.” Just…no. The whole point of this quote, virtual high five to the author, is to be introspective.

I am not really sure when throwing a toxic label on someone became so popular, but here is what I like about this particular quote, “…you have some toxic traits too.” Yes! We all have toxic traits. Because being human means being imperfect. Passive aggressive, reactive, arrogant, judgmental, selfish, self righteous, unforgiving, anxious, insecure, all could all be considered toxic. When we are honest with ourselves, we all possess traits that are less than desirable. It is not shameful, but freeing, to recognize the faults in yourself. It opens the door to understanding, self awareness and forgiveness for yourself and others.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”

Aristotle

I have really reflected on that quote this past week. Four years ago, I recognized I was very reactive in relationships. If someone wronged me, or I perceived I was wronged, that was it, they were out. I held grudges well and could go months, sometimes years without speaking to a person. I would wait for that person to recognize they were wrong and come crawling back to me. That usually didn’t happen. The good thing was, I was impatient and would eventually just give up and resume the relationship like nothing happened.

Possessing toxic traits does not make us “toxic”.

I worked hard on that character defect. I restored relationships and forgave myself for time lost with loved ones. Then the self reflection waned, and I started to develop new habits. I was less reactive yes, but now I had developed a different type of toxicity, passive aggressiveness. I became so passive aggressive in friendships that I was willing to let important relationships erode rather than confront our issues head on. Because I was not being explosive, I became self righteous and believed that I played no part our disagreements. But lack of communication is just as toxic to a relationship as reactivity.

It is a hard accept our own fallibility.

We all have our imperfections but that does not make us toxic as individuals. Rather than pointing out the flaws within others, we can look at who we were yesterday and strive to be better tomorrow. You will not spend your last moments on Earth wishing that you had judged others more harshly. Let go of animosity and grudges. Forgive easily. Love deeper. Accept other’s humanity. Accept your own humanity.